Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click.'" (At this
point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support
staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got
back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
*******************************
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my
annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a
Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was
calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error
and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the
computer was going to blow up.
*******************************
One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries
in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the
manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing,
and I'm not going to read the book."
*******************************
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting
the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
*******************************
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk.'"
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No . . . ."
*******************************
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow ! How can you see my screen from there?"
*******************************
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go
from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."
*******************************
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly
old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL,' all it says is 'Bad command or file
name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive. Go to A:\ and type
'DIR'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name.'"
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place. It can't help
but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the
Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or
file name.'"
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M'
key...does that matter?
*******************************
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give
the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's
asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
*******************************
* And the best for last...
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and
now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my
drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages
did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive
and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That
didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got
it loose. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and
defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive
and used pliers to pull the disk out?" (At this point, I put the call on the
speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.)
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what
you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out,
then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when
the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"
* Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going
to sue you for breaking my computer!"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company
because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we
sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your
user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to
pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we record every
call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have
a nice day."
************************
Jista dama zadala o pomoc s instalaci Windows, ktera se nejak nedarila.
"Prinesla jsem si z prace disky s Windows, abych si je nainstalovala
na domacim pocitaci." Pracovnik si rekl, ze nejsou prece softwarova
policie, a snazil se ji pomoci.
TechSupport (TS): "Takze, co se stalo?"
Zakaznice (Z): "Vzdy kdyz strcim disk dovnitr, zase se vysune, ze neni
inicializovany."
TS: "Pamatujete si to hlaseni presne, madam?"
Z (hrde): "Napsala jsem si to: 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you
like to initialize it?'
TS: "Eh, co se stalo potom?"
Z: "Kdyz se inicializovaly, vsechny diskety se zdaly byt prazdne. A ted jsem
je prinesla zpatky do prace a nemuzu je precist z A: mechaniky; PC je chce
formatovat. A to jsou jedine diskety s Windows pro celou nasi kancelar.
Udelala jsem neco spatne?"
**********************
E-mail na TS: "DokazeteOpravitMezernikNaMeKlavesnici?"
**********************
Z: "Takze takhle se tedy pripojim na Internet, spravne?"
TS: "Ano."
Z: "A to je nejnovejsi verze Internetu, spravne?"
TS: "Ahh... ah.. ano..."
**********************
Od pracovnika Hewlett-Packard TechSupport:
Zakaznice mela velmi specificky problem, ktery jsem nedokazal vyresit.
Nemohla tisknout zlute. Vsechny ostatni barvy byly v poradku, coz je
zvlastni, protoze zakladni barvy jsou azurova, purpurova a zluta - napr.
zelena je kombinaci azurove a zlute, ale zelena se vytiskla v poradku.
Vsechny barvy spektra se vytiskly - vyjma zlute. Nechal jsem zakaznici
vymenit cartridge. Nechal jsem ji smazat a preinstalovat ovladace. Nic
nefungovalo. pozadal jsem spolupracovniky o pomoc - nikoho nic nenapadalo.
Po dvou hodinach zkouseni uz jsem ji chtel rici, aby poslali tiskarnu k nam
na opravu, kdyz tu se tise zeptala: "Nemam zkusit tisknout na nejaky bily
papir misto tady toho zluteho?"
**********************
Zakaznik pokousejici se nastavit novou tiskarnu vola na TS a popisuje hlaseni:
'Nemohu nalezt tiskarnu'. Do telefonu vysvetluje, ze tiskarnu uz drzel i
primo pred obrazovkou, ale pocitac ji porad nemuze nalezt...
**********************
Jeden muz prochazel pozde odpoledne kancelari a videl jakousi mladou zenu,
jak sedi pred pocitacem se zkrizenyma rukama a zira na obrazovku. Kdyz sel
kolem za ctvrt hodiny, vsiml si, ze je porad ve stejne pozici, jen navic
netrpelive podupava nohou. Zeptal se ji, jestli nepotrebuje pomoc, nacez ona
odpovedela: "No to je dost! To tlacitko F1 jsem stiskla uz pred dvaceti
minutami!"
**********************
TS: "Halo, jak vam mohu pomoci?"
Z: "Ze zdroje na mem pocitaci se kouri."
TS: "To vypada, ze potrebujete novy zdroj."
Z: "Ne, nepotrebuji! Jenom potrebuji zmenit init soubory."
TS: "Pane, to, co popisujete, je poskozeny sitovy zdroj. Musite ho vymenit."
Z: "V zadne pripade! Kdosi mi rikal, ze staci zmenit init soubory, aby se to
spravilo! Vsechno, co po vas chci, je, abyste mi rekl ten spravny prikaz..."
Po deseti minutach usilovne snahy technika vysvetlit podstatu problemu a
jeho reseni, zakaznik vytrvale tvrdil, ze pravdu ma on. Frustrovany technik
uz to nevydrzel a odpovedel: "Je mi lito. Bezne to zakaznikum nerikame, ale
existuje nedokumentovany prikaz DOSu, ktery vyresi tento problem..."
Z: "Ja to vedel!"
TS: "Pouze pridejte radek "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" na konec souboru CONFIG.SYS a
vsechno bude pracovat normalne. Dejte mi vedet, jak to vypada..."
Asi po deseti minutach vola znovu.
Z: "Nefunguje to. Ze zdroje se porad kouri."
TS: "Dobra. Jakou verzi DOSu mate?"
Z: "MS-DOS 6.22"
TS: "Aha, tak to budete mit problem. Tato verze DOSu neobsahuje NOSMOKE.
Budete muset zkontaktovat Microsoft a pozadat je o update. Dejte mi vedet,
jak to dopadlo..."
Priblizne za hodinu telefon zazvonil znovu.
Z: "Potrebuji novy zdroj."
TS: "Jak jste dosel k tomuto zaveru?"
Z: "No, volal jsem na Microsoft a rekl technikovi to, co jste mi rikal. Pak
se mne zacal ptal na chovani toho zdroje..."
TS: "A co vam rekl?"
Z: "Rekl, ze muj zdroj neni kompatibilni s NOSMOKE..."
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